Dear Sing-Song,
You are slowly yet surely taking over my life. therefore, I have dedicated this post to you. Although I have a love-hate relationship with you (consisting mostly of hatred), I appreciate your help in making new friends. and providing me with pretty, pink dresses and crowns that my lovely roommate and I used to make a video/documentary/musical all around downtown Abilene. Thank you..
Cordially,
Bridget Irene Howe
p.s. I will not miss you after this week. Even if you do catch me singing your catchy songs...
Anyways, reflecting on those sing-song lyrics, I have to wonder..do i really want God? I know I need Him..but do I WANT him more than anything? Francis Chan said something that i found interesting: "The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't want him most of the time." hmm. This rings true for me from time to time.
Do I believe your words are sweeter than honey? I find myself not hungering for God because I buy the lie that He can't fully and completely satisfy every desire. And when I do believe it, i find myself wanting everything he has to give..but still holding tightly to what I want. We can't fully receive all that god has if our hands are still clutched onto other idols/desires.
So interestingly enough, I'm sitting in my dorm room studying biology (cough being addicted to facebook cough) and in comes two of my friends with a bouquet of flowers and a card with the bible verse in it: "He opens up his hand and satisfies the desires of EVERY living thing." Psalm 145:16
so I've come to this conclusion: A. God has blessed me with some amazing, wonderful friends who he romances me through. B. He's got hysterical timing. Love it.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Trust.
I stumbled upon my blog tonight.
Yes, it is a Friday night.
No, of course i didn't spend it studying and watching "real women have curves" (which i highly recommend!)
Also..I don't really expect anyone to read this. Sometimes I just have thoughts. And sometimes I like to share them.
Funny how things can change so much yet so little within a year. As i was reading my past blogs, I noted that although so much transformation has happened (hallelujer), I happen to be struggling with the same issue: taking control and refusing to trust God. But i suppose that is at the root of fallen humanity, right? I mean, Adam and Eve ate the apple (question: why do we always assume it's an apple? Why not a pineapple? Or maybe a passion fruit?) because they fancied the idea of "being like God". We all want to run our own lives. create our own story. PRIDE..even though this has led us nowhere but a repetitious cycle of stupid , it seems to be something we refuse to abandon. WHY?
Well, if i had the answer..I probably wouldn't be writing in a blog. I probably would be writing a book. and it would sell like cray-cray.
God reminds me all time I can trust Him. Really. He has a megaphone and he's constantly shouting (right next to me might i add) "HEY BRIDGET IRENE HOWE..YES YOU..BORN ON MARCH 14TH..THE ONE WITH ___HAIRS ON HER HEAD..YOU CAN TRUST ME! I'VE GOT YOU!" But it never seems to be enough. He tells me that He satisfies every part of me. That my worth is in him. That I don't have to chase value elsewhere by the world's standards..because I have it simply because He loves me unconditionally. Because greater is He that is in me. Yet .2 of a second later, I'm chasing wind. Interesting.
Like today, for example. I received a letter from Camp Eagle today..you know, that one place I worked all last summer that shook my world upside down and all around? Oh, I'm working there again. No big deal. Anyways, letter. I opened it and it was actually from myself. At the end of the summer, we wrote letters to ourselves and I just wrote what I felt God wanted me to know and remember about who He is and Whose i am. And wouldn't you know, that letter contained every bit of encouragement I've been so desperately needing. From the very first word to the last. Basically, I wrote about trusting Him. Finding my value in Him. Having faith in His promises. Rebuking the likes of the Enemy. And I probably wouldn't have received such encouragement any other way.Funny how God works like that, huh?
Yet not much later, I find myself buckling under the temptation to find worth by the world's standards. And it failed.
I found out i failed some tests/quizzes (which I never do). Value=lessened.
Found out I gained five pounds=value lessened.
Encountered people who were better than me in certain aspects of life=value lessened.
found out I'm really awful at Sing song=valued lessened.
(just kidding about the last one..sing song will never define me..despise it too much. haha..but really).
I could go on an on. What I'm trying to say is that depending on anything else but God to define me will ALWAYS fail me. my God is eternal. never changing. powerful. faithful. the Creator of the UNIVERSE. ***and to question the value of the creation (me) is to question the Creator*** and that's just plain silly.
So right now, I'm in the process of learning what it means to be defined by Him ALONE. And it's a good one.
Ask yourself the question: If I did nothing else for the rest of my life..would i still believe I have value? Do i trust the Lord to provide? to satisfy?
What do you find value in? and will it last?
Okay..I don't want to think anymore so I will leave you with this flow I wrote a few weeks ago.
Ok. I trust you..Lord, do i trust You?
Quite honestly, this isn't always true.
Sometimes these words don't match my heart.
It's hard to trust what you can't chart.
and God, you definitely can't be confined.
You're a mystery-not belonging on paper that's lined.
I used to think this meant you were far;
more miles between us than on my old car.
But Jesus, I'm learning You're closer than I thought
when the enemy attacked, its for my heart you fought
I thought you abandoned so i searched for love from others
yet you never gave up, whispering, "i'm better than less wild lovers"
when all my wind chasing failed
i realized it wasnt you, but me that bailed
your intimacy is what i doubted
now i can see my vision was clouded
but not a beat did you miss
you still greeted me with a kiss
you say you're more that enough to satisfy
you withhold NO good thing-that's not a lie!
so as your child, whom you delight in
i won't listen to Satan-he'll never win.
I will claim it again-with my heart too:
You're Love Never Fails. I'll Always Trust You.
goodnight, blogging world. (i've always wanted to say that.)
p.s. I used parenthesis a lot. I'm aware. once i started, i couldn't stop. it's like an addiction.
ok really. night.
Peace and Joy.
Yes, it is a Friday night.
No, of course i didn't spend it studying and watching "real women have curves" (which i highly recommend!)
Also..I don't really expect anyone to read this. Sometimes I just have thoughts. And sometimes I like to share them.
Funny how things can change so much yet so little within a year. As i was reading my past blogs, I noted that although so much transformation has happened (hallelujer), I happen to be struggling with the same issue: taking control and refusing to trust God. But i suppose that is at the root of fallen humanity, right? I mean, Adam and Eve ate the apple (question: why do we always assume it's an apple? Why not a pineapple? Or maybe a passion fruit?) because they fancied the idea of "being like God". We all want to run our own lives. create our own story. PRIDE..even though this has led us nowhere but a repetitious cycle of stupid , it seems to be something we refuse to abandon. WHY?
Well, if i had the answer..I probably wouldn't be writing in a blog. I probably would be writing a book. and it would sell like cray-cray.
God reminds me all time I can trust Him. Really. He has a megaphone and he's constantly shouting (right next to me might i add) "HEY BRIDGET IRENE HOWE..YES YOU..BORN ON MARCH 14TH..THE ONE WITH ___HAIRS ON HER HEAD..YOU CAN TRUST ME! I'VE GOT YOU!" But it never seems to be enough. He tells me that He satisfies every part of me. That my worth is in him. That I don't have to chase value elsewhere by the world's standards..because I have it simply because He loves me unconditionally. Because greater is He that is in me. Yet .2 of a second later, I'm chasing wind. Interesting.
Like today, for example. I received a letter from Camp Eagle today..you know, that one place I worked all last summer that shook my world upside down and all around? Oh, I'm working there again. No big deal. Anyways, letter. I opened it and it was actually from myself. At the end of the summer, we wrote letters to ourselves and I just wrote what I felt God wanted me to know and remember about who He is and Whose i am. And wouldn't you know, that letter contained every bit of encouragement I've been so desperately needing. From the very first word to the last. Basically, I wrote about trusting Him. Finding my value in Him. Having faith in His promises. Rebuking the likes of the Enemy. And I probably wouldn't have received such encouragement any other way.Funny how God works like that, huh?
Yet not much later, I find myself buckling under the temptation to find worth by the world's standards. And it failed.
I found out i failed some tests/quizzes (which I never do). Value=lessened.
Found out I gained five pounds=value lessened.
Encountered people who were better than me in certain aspects of life=value lessened.
found out I'm really awful at Sing song=valued lessened.
(just kidding about the last one..sing song will never define me..despise it too much. haha..but really).
I could go on an on. What I'm trying to say is that depending on anything else but God to define me will ALWAYS fail me. my God is eternal. never changing. powerful. faithful. the Creator of the UNIVERSE. ***and to question the value of the creation (me) is to question the Creator*** and that's just plain silly.
So right now, I'm in the process of learning what it means to be defined by Him ALONE. And it's a good one.
Ask yourself the question: If I did nothing else for the rest of my life..would i still believe I have value? Do i trust the Lord to provide? to satisfy?
What do you find value in? and will it last?
Okay..I don't want to think anymore so I will leave you with this flow I wrote a few weeks ago.
Ok. I trust you..Lord, do i trust You?
Quite honestly, this isn't always true.
Sometimes these words don't match my heart.
It's hard to trust what you can't chart.
and God, you definitely can't be confined.
You're a mystery-not belonging on paper that's lined.
I used to think this meant you were far;
more miles between us than on my old car.
But Jesus, I'm learning You're closer than I thought
when the enemy attacked, its for my heart you fought
I thought you abandoned so i searched for love from others
yet you never gave up, whispering, "i'm better than less wild lovers"
when all my wind chasing failed
i realized it wasnt you, but me that bailed
your intimacy is what i doubted
now i can see my vision was clouded
but not a beat did you miss
you still greeted me with a kiss
you say you're more that enough to satisfy
you withhold NO good thing-that's not a lie!
so as your child, whom you delight in
i won't listen to Satan-he'll never win.
I will claim it again-with my heart too:
You're Love Never Fails. I'll Always Trust You.
goodnight, blogging world. (i've always wanted to say that.)
p.s. I used parenthesis a lot. I'm aware. once i started, i couldn't stop. it's like an addiction.
ok really. night.
Peace and Joy.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Hydrate.
Oh, Lord.
Where in the heck do I even begin to describe my first 9 days at camp? And for those of you who don't know, a week at camp feels like a month..in the best and worse way. Seriously..this blog might have been a bad idea for me..I won't be able to convey what is going on at all. But maybe that is a good thing.
I am full of contradictions. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I am completely alone in a new world, yet constantly surrounded by a new family who loves me and already knows much of my story. (mmm..gotta love those three hours of vulnerability and trust) I don't know who I am but I'm always learning more about the Lord. I don't know what I believe but I'm learning that slowly. I'm struggling with problems and sins I never acknowledged or thought I was done with and God is wrecking shop in my life. He really is testing my anxious thoughts, seeing if there is any offensive way in me, and leading me into the way everlasting (psalm 139)
ok..here is the thing. I have no idea what I'm saying right now because I have no idea how to convey how much God has been doing without writing a novel..so you guys are out of luck. Plus, I just don't feel like writing but since this is the first and only time I will be on the internet for quite some time, I figured I would write something...
Oh, but the reason I titled this "Hydrate" is because of the summer camp's theme. Its all about God's salvation and the Living Water of Jesus. Everyday has a different theme and its legit. Thirst. Satisfy. Cleanse. Drink. Sweat.
It's seriously so awesome..have a blast figuring out those analogies.
Alright..i'm sorry this blog is horrible. Definitely not one of my best. Although this blog thing was a good idea, I doubt I will have much time to write in this. That's another thing I'm learning: putting the Lord and others in front of my own desires. And I'm coming to the full realization of how selfish I am.
One last thought: John 14:14 "You may ask for anything in my name and I will do it."
Jesus, I'm putting my hope in that..so I hope you are out in that boat, waiting to grab my hand if I fall.
Alright. I don't know how this conveys my emotions but I am so drained right now. Two more weeks of intense training..then the campers come! Maybe my thoughts will come together later..but you won't know! muaha..
anyways, you are all on my heart and mind and I pray that God is doing BIG things in you. Tell me about them please :)
Love ya'll
Sunday, May 10, 2009
If Grace is an ocean..
Wow. I don't know how to respond to life right now. Haaa..I haven't had a single moment to sit and think..so much has happened in the last two days..and all I want to do is rest. No time.
Friday: three exams, pack up my life, leave Abilene, go to good 'ole Grapevine. Saturday: shop all day for camp, dinner with the family, and now..I just finished packing.
I haven't really been able to decipher the mood I'm in, but the only word that describes it is Surreal. I feel like I'm experiencing jet lag but with more intensity and confusion. Nevertheless, the realization I'm coming to is that God gives us the Grace we need exactly when we need it. Even though I feel like I have no answers or clarity, He does and seems to speak the words that are needed-wisdom I couldn't muster if I tried. It is for this reason that I am so thankful I have had 1.5 days home before heading out. I have gotten the chance to encourage and share life with two friends that I haven't been able to do with that much confidence in quite some time. In both situations, God broke through the lies that I so easily believed and shined His light so bright.
More then ever, I am realizing that when we are weak, Jesus is made so strong. It's a strange concept. When I admit that I am weak and desperate without my Father, I am made victorious all the same. mmm..Grace. I love it, yet always struggle with allowing myself to sink in the ocean of Grace He provides. I won't lie.. I feel so unprepared for this summer. I don't think I fully understand that I am leaving tomorrow for THREE MONTHS. I don't really know what will happen but one thing i do expect is for God to shine in me. That His presence in me changes lives and I am going to bring Life. Not by my feeble mind but my God's Love & Power.
So here I am, learning to put my faith in You, Jesus. I am being stripped of my comfortable life and being taken on an adventure of complete dependency on Him.
I'm sick of talking about Him instead of talking TO Him. Of putting hope in an outcome instead of hope IN Him. I'm ready for my world to be rocked. Am I being a little too dramatic? Possibly. Okay..I have nothing else to say. But God does! :)
Friday: three exams, pack up my life, leave Abilene, go to good 'ole Grapevine. Saturday: shop all day for camp, dinner with the family, and now..I just finished packing.
I haven't really been able to decipher the mood I'm in, but the only word that describes it is Surreal. I feel like I'm experiencing jet lag but with more intensity and confusion. Nevertheless, the realization I'm coming to is that God gives us the Grace we need exactly when we need it. Even though I feel like I have no answers or clarity, He does and seems to speak the words that are needed-wisdom I couldn't muster if I tried. It is for this reason that I am so thankful I have had 1.5 days home before heading out. I have gotten the chance to encourage and share life with two friends that I haven't been able to do with that much confidence in quite some time. In both situations, God broke through the lies that I so easily believed and shined His light so bright.
More then ever, I am realizing that when we are weak, Jesus is made so strong. It's a strange concept. When I admit that I am weak and desperate without my Father, I am made victorious all the same. mmm..Grace. I love it, yet always struggle with allowing myself to sink in the ocean of Grace He provides. I won't lie.. I feel so unprepared for this summer. I don't think I fully understand that I am leaving tomorrow for THREE MONTHS. I don't really know what will happen but one thing i do expect is for God to shine in me. That His presence in me changes lives and I am going to bring Life. Not by my feeble mind but my God's Love & Power.
So here I am, learning to put my faith in You, Jesus. I am being stripped of my comfortable life and being taken on an adventure of complete dependency on Him.
I'm sick of talking about Him instead of talking TO Him. Of putting hope in an outcome instead of hope IN Him. I'm ready for my world to be rocked. Am I being a little too dramatic? Possibly. Okay..I have nothing else to say. But God does! :)
"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in You I trust, O my God."
Psalm 25:1-2
keep claming Truth in your lives. When everything seems out of your control, trust that God is faithful always.
p.s. I wont have any cell phone service out there so if you care about me, you should write me! haha. but seriously. do it.
Camp Eagle
c/o Bridget Howe
6424 Hackberry Rd.
Rocksprings, TX 78880
Also..I just got skype so I can video chat on the weekends. ohhhh yes. Victory.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Too many thoughts..
It's too late. & I have too many thoughts so excuse me if I sound delirious or ridiculous.
I couldn't begin to explain where I am at right now. I mean, I suppose I could but it would take extreme vulnerability and clarity, neither of which I possess right now..and you know what? That's okay. Because I do know this: I am Bridget Irene Howe and as a wise friend reminded me, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I know God is working on me in ways I can't comprehend at the moment. I am learning to be content with that, yet still knowing that He doesn't desire for me to just standstill.
Here is the thing...I have been striving way too hard to obtain what I already possess through Jesus. I have been over thinking everything I feel like is "off" in my life, and underestimating the power of my Father in my life. This is an ugly combination.
But the realization I'm slowly coming to is that it's not striving for perfection, but rather letting HIM bring restoration to the soul. In order to do that, we have to be honest with ourselves, and more importantly, real with God. It's like I've been trying to convince myself that I am invincible, that I have everything worked out instead of admitting my brokenness and letting God work from there. Seems like something I should already know, but Satan has a way of twisting things, making everything so much more complicated then they should be. That's it too. It isn't supposed to be complicated. It's simple. Letting go is easy..it's easy because He has so much more to offer. The exchange isn't fair. I give Him all my junk, and in return, I get freedom beyond all comparison. But for whatever reason, sometimes we find so much security in holding onto everything that keeps us from living in complete freedom. Why? Because of fear and insecurity of the unfamiliar. Even though the things we hold on to weigh us down, they are comfortable; it's less frightening then stepping out into something we have never dared explore.
But that is what faith is: letting go and walking out on the water, knowing that when our eyes are fixed on Jesus, NOTHING can conquer us. Absolutely nothing. He has given us the power through the Holy Spirit to live victoriously, to trust that God is so good and loves us beyond measure..and even when we can't necessarily "feel' it, we can hold onto His promises and have faith that He WILL come through..He always does. Not matter what kind of lies Satan throws at you, hold on to what your heart knows to be true.
Simply, just be. Be who you were created to be, knowing you were created to be great and that everything and everyone God loves has great worth and purpose. No one can be you and you can't be anyone else..comparison doesn't make any sense in the eyes of God because we all have something to offer the world won't see unless we sink into our own skin and see the beauty.
Yes. I am a cheeseball. I can deal.
If that was a jumbled mess..oh well. It's after 3 a.m. So I shall leave you someone who makes a lot more sense of what I was trying to convey..
"There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion...The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried." Ralph Waldo Emerson
tighhhht.
Sleep well, Children of Worth.
I couldn't begin to explain where I am at right now. I mean, I suppose I could but it would take extreme vulnerability and clarity, neither of which I possess right now..and you know what? That's okay. Because I do know this: I am Bridget Irene Howe and as a wise friend reminded me, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I know God is working on me in ways I can't comprehend at the moment. I am learning to be content with that, yet still knowing that He doesn't desire for me to just standstill.
Here is the thing...I have been striving way too hard to obtain what I already possess through Jesus. I have been over thinking everything I feel like is "off" in my life, and underestimating the power of my Father in my life. This is an ugly combination.
But the realization I'm slowly coming to is that it's not striving for perfection, but rather letting HIM bring restoration to the soul. In order to do that, we have to be honest with ourselves, and more importantly, real with God. It's like I've been trying to convince myself that I am invincible, that I have everything worked out instead of admitting my brokenness and letting God work from there. Seems like something I should already know, but Satan has a way of twisting things, making everything so much more complicated then they should be. That's it too. It isn't supposed to be complicated. It's simple. Letting go is easy..it's easy because He has so much more to offer. The exchange isn't fair. I give Him all my junk, and in return, I get freedom beyond all comparison. But for whatever reason, sometimes we find so much security in holding onto everything that keeps us from living in complete freedom. Why? Because of fear and insecurity of the unfamiliar. Even though the things we hold on to weigh us down, they are comfortable; it's less frightening then stepping out into something we have never dared explore.
But that is what faith is: letting go and walking out on the water, knowing that when our eyes are fixed on Jesus, NOTHING can conquer us. Absolutely nothing. He has given us the power through the Holy Spirit to live victoriously, to trust that God is so good and loves us beyond measure..and even when we can't necessarily "feel' it, we can hold onto His promises and have faith that He WILL come through..He always does. Not matter what kind of lies Satan throws at you, hold on to what your heart knows to be true.
Simply, just be. Be who you were created to be, knowing you were created to be great and that everything and everyone God loves has great worth and purpose. No one can be you and you can't be anyone else..comparison doesn't make any sense in the eyes of God because we all have something to offer the world won't see unless we sink into our own skin and see the beauty.
Yes. I am a cheeseball. I can deal.
If that was a jumbled mess..oh well. It's after 3 a.m. So I shall leave you someone who makes a lot more sense of what I was trying to convey..
"There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion...The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried." Ralph Waldo Emerson
tighhhht.
Sleep well, Children of Worth.
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