Trust.

I stumbled upon my blog tonight.
Yes, it is a Friday night.
No, of course i didn't spend it studying and watching "real women have curves" (which i highly recommend!)
Also..I don't really expect anyone to read this. Sometimes I just have thoughts. And sometimes I like to share them.

Funny how things can change so much yet so little within a year. As i was reading my past blogs, I noted that although so much transformation has happened (hallelujer), I happen to be struggling with the same issue: taking control and refusing to trust God. But i suppose that is at the root of fallen humanity, right? I mean, Adam and Eve ate the apple (question: why do we always assume it's an apple? Why not a pineapple? Or maybe a passion fruit?) because they fancied the idea of "being like God". We all want to run our own lives. create our own story. PRIDE..even though this has led us nowhere but a repetitious cycle of stupid , it seems to be something we refuse to abandon. WHY?
Well, if i had the answer..I probably wouldn't be writing in a blog. I probably would be writing a book. and it would sell like cray-cray.

God reminds me all time I can trust Him. Really. He has a megaphone and he's constantly shouting (right next to me might i add) "HEY BRIDGET IRENE HOWE..YES YOU..BORN ON MARCH 14TH..THE ONE WITH ___HAIRS ON HER HEAD..YOU CAN TRUST ME! I'VE GOT YOU!" But it never seems to be enough. He tells me that He satisfies every part of me. That my worth is in him. That I don't have to chase value elsewhere by the world's standards..because I have it simply because He loves me unconditionally. Because greater is He that is in me. Yet .2 of a second later, I'm chasing wind. Interesting.

Like today, for example. I received a letter from Camp Eagle today..you know, that one place I worked all last summer that shook my world upside down and all around? Oh, I'm working there again. No big deal. Anyways, letter. I opened it and it was actually from myself. At the end of the summer, we wrote letters to ourselves and I just wrote what I felt God wanted me to know and remember about who He is and Whose i am. And wouldn't you know, that letter contained every bit of encouragement I've been so desperately needing. From the very first word to the last. Basically, I wrote about trusting Him. Finding my value in Him. Having faith in His promises. Rebuking the likes of the Enemy. And I probably wouldn't have received such encouragement any other way.Funny how God works like that, huh?
Yet not much later, I find myself buckling under the temptation to find worth by the world's standards. And it failed.
I found out i failed some tests/quizzes (which I never do). Value=lessened.
Found out I gained five pounds=value lessened.
Encountered people who were better than me in certain aspects of life=value lessened.
found out I'm really awful at Sing song=valued lessened.
(just kidding about the last one..sing song will never define me..despise it too much. haha..but really).
I could go on an on. What I'm trying to say is that depending on anything else but God to define me will ALWAYS fail me. my God is eternal. never changing. powerful. faithful. the Creator of the UNIVERSE. ***and to question the value of the creation (me) is to question the Creator*** and that's just plain silly.
So right now, I'm in the process of learning what it means to be defined by Him ALONE. And it's a good one.

Ask yourself the question: If I did nothing else for the rest of my life..would i still believe I have value? Do i trust the Lord to provide? to satisfy?
What do you find value in? and will it last?

Okay..I don't want to think anymore so I will leave you with this flow I wrote a few weeks ago.

Ok. I trust you..Lord, do i trust You?
Quite honestly, this isn't always true.
Sometimes these words don't match my heart.
It's hard to trust what you can't chart.
and God, you definitely can't be confined.
You're a mystery-not belonging on paper that's lined.
I used to think this meant you were far;
more miles between us than on my old car.
But Jesus, I'm learning You're closer than I thought
when the enemy attacked, its for my heart you fought
I thought you abandoned so i searched for love from others
yet you never gave up, whispering, "i'm better than less wild lovers"
when all my wind chasing failed
i realized it wasnt you, but me that bailed
your intimacy is what i doubted
now i can see my vision was clouded
but not a beat did you miss
you still greeted me with a kiss
you say you're more that enough to satisfy
you withhold NO good thing-that's not a lie!
so as your child, whom you delight in
i won't listen to Satan-he'll never win.
I will claim it again-with my heart too:
You're Love Never Fails. I'll Always Trust You.

goodnight, blogging world. (i've always wanted to say that.)

p.s. I used parenthesis a lot. I'm aware. once i started, i couldn't stop. it's like an addiction.

ok really. night.
Peace and Joy.